By the time you have lived six decades, you might expect to have a set of ethics firmly in place, some useful life experience and maybe a little wisdom. These things are shaped initially by your parents. Mine came from two very different provinces and were raised in two very different circumstances, but both came to a life of faith as adults, so that faith formed the basis of our home and family life. Church attendance and involvement was primary and formed our religious as well as social life, and of course framed my moral and social ethic. I was the last of six, a large family, but not unusual for the time. I recall that I was an anxious child and I turned into an anxious adult.
Death is always an unwelcome and often unexpected visitor. I have often felt that it intruded on my life too soon. You expect that you will lose your grandparents, but not when you are a child. You know that you will lose your parents but not when you are 40. You do not expect to lose a sibling when you are in your 20's. These things shape your emotional life.
When my mother died, I had been physically caring for my parents for some time, and emotionally caring for her for much longer. It is hard to have your independent mom call you to ask if you will sleep over because she is scared. At the time I lived an hour away, worked full time and had young teenage boys. You cope because you need to. Her death was followed three months later by my father's. I found that I was tired always, and very emotional. I seemed to have no balance; crying or raging, no in between. Throw perimenopausal in there too. So the doctor prescribed an anti-depressant. Crying stopped and harmony resumed. Well maybe not. After a year or so, it began to occur to me that maybe all of this living was over-rated so wouldn't it be nice to just not wake up some day. I did realize that this was not a healthy way to feel so I weaned myself off of those pills.
The trouble is that although I felt re-energized and well for a time, it did not last. I ended up a weepy mess at the doctor once more and was prescribed an anti-anxiety medicine. It seemed a better fit but weight gain is a side effect and then you feel less well and less confident and, well there is a definite cycle. I went on and off this medicine several times but it was clear that my body could no longer balance itself without help. As well a stomach pill is in use and a blood pressure pill; not a positive pattern but all too common.
I have also reached an age and a time in history, though maybe this has always happened when you reach a certain age, when new technologies and research are making everything that you thought was true and right, no longer true. What you thought was healthy to eat, isn't; what you thought was true historical fact, perhaps left some other facts out. Makes you wonder if you know anything at all for sure.
Enter into the conversation, marijuana. I knew that my children had a different opinion about its use than I did. I began to listen more closely and we had more open conversation about it. In the meantime, my sister-in-law and I had had conversation about it because her husband, my dear brother, has Lewy Body dementia and was living with terrible symptoms including frightening delusion and anxiety. When 'traditional' medicine, generally meaning prescribed pharmaceuticals, are not working, or the cost of the abatement of some symptoms, is the arrival of others, one can begin to set aside previous beliefs and be open to other options.
My previous mindset about cannabis was;
It is illegal. Huge road block for me given my religious background. You never do anything against the law, no matter what it is.
It is a 'gateway' drug to harder substances. That is what was said, so I believed it.
It was referred to as a 'recreational' drug, making its use sound frivolous, with no purpose except to feel a high.
Because it is illegal, anyone who can provide it is doing something illegal and maybe I would be supporting the Hell's Angels or some other equally upstanding organization. It is dangerous for any link in the chain.
I am clearly a product of my very conservative background.
However, in my journey with anxiety, I am not happy with the present solution. I am on more medicine than I would care to be and feel like the only answer to ongoing issues is going to be more medicine in higher doses. In all fairness to my family doctor, he listens carefully and offered counselling from his office. He does not offer medicine without consideration, but those are the tools he has been trained to use.
I found that most of the time I was calm and could respond in a calm manner, but there was a disconnect between what my mind was doing and how my body
was responding. I could sound and look calm, but have a knot in my stomach or tense muscles. I could feel panicky but not show it. If I was upset and cried, I was exhausted after it. I wondered what good the medicine was doing if I felt a false calm that did not extend to my body, and what long term damage might be going on.
So... as I may have vacillated for some time yet, my son provided some 'edibles' for me, chosen for a balance of the two cannabinoids THC and CBD, best suited for my set of symptoms. It was a bit weird to think of brownies and cookies in terms of doses of medicine and to only consume a small piece per day. I started with a quarter of a small brownie before bedtime.
I felt immediately calm; my mind slowed down and was quiet, I was emotionally still, and my body was quiet, muscles all relaxed. It was extraordinary. My mind was not racing or obsessing. I could lay still. I felt emotionally quiet. I found that my lower back pain went away and most unexpectedly, the shortness of breath that I put down to allergies, disappeared. I was stunned to realize that many of these symptoms had more to do with stress and anxiety than I ever thought. The effect lasts all day so far and I have not changed how much I take. My husband and children have noticed a change so perhaps I was not coping nearly as well as I thought.
I would never have thought that this would be a road that I would travel, and my results are subjective and not to be compared with anyone else's experience. I will though, continue down this path. I will also consult my doctor and talk about this, as well as how to safely stop taking some of my medicine. He may want to monitor and see results shown in my blood pressure, but I can do that.
I share this experience and do not hide it because there are definite benefits to medicine that is not provided by big pharmaceutical companies. We are moving in a direction that will make some of these options more available, but the process is slow and cumbersome. There needs to be a balance in medicine between what is offered by pills, and therapies that have lasted centuries and produced results. I will step down from my soapbox now and simply be grateful for the care of my children, in providing a solution which is working for me.
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