Closure....

I bumped into my age the other day. It used to be called 'the generation gap', those differences that exist between parents and children because they are growing up in a different time. I told my son that I had watched the digital version of my brother's funeral service*, and he looked alarmed and asked 'why?'. I looked puzzled and thought 'why would I not?'. 'Oh', he said. 'Did you need closure?' (*refer to blog of 3 Nov 2018)

Sons, especially grown ones, do not like their mother to be upset, which is endearing and thoughtful protection but not always realistic. Painful things happen, and often, without notice and invitation. He did however understand that there might be a purpose for my action, this being 'closure'.

I have thought about this a lot since that conversation. I do not remember that word being used in this context for most of my lifetime. According to the dictionary the original word 'closure' apparently came from 'enclosure', the means of keeping something enclosed. Computer and mathematical fields use the word with this same implication, like a number set or an operation that is closed. For most of my life 'closure' was when something closed, like a business closure, or 'something that closes', like a skirt with a zipper closure. 

Now, as with many other words, the meaning has morphed into something different. The Urban Dictionary defines 'closure' solely in terms of relationships, as in being able to 'move on' after the termination of an unsuccessful relationship. It is more broadly used as the sense of bringing something to an ending, or something that facilitates that process, as in a victim finding closure to a painful experience and perhaps a trial, aiding that process. 

The generation that raised me was not one to display, or encourage a display or discussion of feelings; there was more a 'Keep Calm and Carry On' attitude to emotion. While I do not think this is necessarily a healthy view, it seems as though the generations coming along feel that happiness is somehow a right, therefore one must find 'closure' on unpleasant things in order to return to the desired happy place. 

So what does this word even mean? Are we to forget the painful things? What place are to put them? Do we not continue to mourn the loved ones who are no longer here with us? 

Well, two months have now passed since I began this blog. It is like a tap turned off in me and I went into an internal hibernation, a kind of silence. During this time I read that when the Druids celebrated the autumn equinox, they acknowledged that it was not just a time of harvest, but, recognizing the ebb and flow of the seasons, saw it as a time for regaining internal balance and so spent time in preparing themselves for the coming dark time. 

Because they followed the sun and the seasonal changes, they knew that they would be entering a time when the hours of light would grow increasingly shorter and so the time of sunshine and activity would now change to a time of increasing darkness and rest. This was a normal, natural, and accepted cycle of the seasons. 

The work of the garden was finishing, the harvest was secured and the garden prepared to withstand the coming winter. The work of the plants and trees moved from producing above ground to sustaining deep in the ground in their root systems. The leaves dropped and became nourishing compost for the soil. Just so, the Druids recognized that similar work for physical and spiritual balance must be done. The 'composting' took the form of discarding those things which are not used or no longer serve a useful purpose. 

Time for reflection and rest is no longer built into our society; we are to work and strive all the time, ignoring the fact that the body and mind, like the earth, need to rest and replenish, and in an equal amount of time in order to be most productive.

By the winter solstice, the garden was composted and replenishing, and the time of rest with its longest periods of darkness was ending. Sleep was repairing the body and quieter, more creative pursuits were restoring balance to the mind and spirit. 

So where does this leave us, in our world, at this time? I watch my children working all hours of the day and night, shifts that upset our bodies natural rhythms and allow insufficient time for rest, never mind creativity or time to feed important relationships. And the weather has been so variable and unpredictable; it has also been unrelentingly grey and gloomy for the past months. Ironically, I read the other day of a word, coined by an Australian philosopher, to describe the distress people feel about the very real changes in our environment made by global warming; it is 'Solastalgia'.  

Obviously there are many things that we have no control over, which may be why they cause us such anxiety. I realized though, that not only did I not prepare myself for the 'dark time' of winter, or 'dark times' of life, I did not accept them as part of the calendar year, or the calendar of my life. The Druids accepted, prepared and celebrated each part of the year, including the dark time, which they considered to be a full half of it. 

I realized that 'composting' as a process is needful and helpful for emotional balance and well-being. If you do not identify those things, emotional or physical, which are not helpful to you, those things that clutter and cause upset,  and attempt to discard them, your body and mind cannot find rest.

Rest is vital for the body and the spirit and must be given priority even against the societal norm of busyness and productivity and I realized that if I did not have sufficient rest I soon lost perspective on every aspect of my life.

So...I finally realized that over these months I had unwittingly been following some these ancient practices. I moved my inner life to a place of quiet where I could think. I read a lot and tried to be creative in those quiet spaces. I tried to identify those thoughts, feelings and even physical things that caused me disquiet in an effort to 'compost' them and find more positive thoughts and pursuits. I walked often, immersing in the beauty of the forest and the joy of the birds. I allowed myself to nap when weary. I am of an age when I have that luxury and am grateful for it for I remember the freneticism of younger years.

And I came to decide after months of mulling, that 'closure' was more preferably defined as 'acceptance'. I deplore its common usage which implies that the person finding closure has been clearly wronged or misused and the closure involves an action of revenge or justified abuse. I do not think it necessarily means that a resolution has been reached either. There is no resolution to death, loss and dark times. I also do not think that 'enclosure' describes it completely, as that to me implies drawing a circle around an event and putting it away. 

In order to find a 'closure' to my brother's death, I needed to accept all the circumstances of his passing. I needed to take part in the funeral that commemorated his life. I needed to examine all the feelings of pain as well as guilt that I had over things not said or done. Then I just needed to 'be' for a while. Then, after a while, I found a feeling of closure. I found it more slowly than my sister-in-law, as her experience had the intensity of daily inexorable loss and grief.  But, what I found  miraculously, was that the process had given me back my brother. I was free in a way to have Al back in a whole form; my big brother, his grin and his voice. It is wonderful and unexpected and welcome. I will always feel his loss, yet I feel a renewed presence with me.

Have I now become more accepting of the dark times? Am I more prepared? Probably not. Sometimes the pall of winter grey is overwhelming. But as the seasons inexorably change, the dark time is growing shorter and the blessing of spring does thankfully approach.