that's just grief...

sneakin' up on you, to paraphrase a Bonnie Raitt song title. Kind of like a ninja whose identity is hidden and appears out of nowhere to attack. There are many times that we can anticipate the presence of grief; for example, my brother Alan's birthday is in several days. I do, and expected to, mourn his absence this year to celebrate it. These moments we anticipate and expect to again feel loss and grief. 

It is the 'heart-attacks' that catch us unawares; those instants of sudden, emotional, re-realization that we cannot see or talk to our special people, that send us for a spiral. The older I get, the more 'loaded' some moments become..my great-niece is having her first baby..so wonderful..Alan will never meet his first great-grandchild..so heartbreaking. Everything seems to have that wrenching flip-side.

Recently my youngest began a new job; a great job and he is so happy. This means that our wee man must take that first step out of the nest and into daycare. Normal in these days when both parents need to be employed in order to survive right?! I immediately felt like I should take care of him instead of anyone else. This was not realistic but I felt so guilty. My children did not have this expectation and when I cried all over my daughter-in-law and apologized that in reality I could not take this on, she, sweet girl, had to ask my son why his mother was weeping on her shoulder. 

I am still teary as I write this, but now, several weeks after baby has settled beautifully into a wonderful daycare, I realized that the underlying emotional was really grief. I realized that this beloved little blond head on my shoulder was so much like the blond head of his father 30 some years ago. My boy is a man, and now our baby was on his way, growing up, not a baby any more. Grief, or perhaps mourning..time passing, changes.

So I exchanged guilt for grief and allowed the tears to flow for a bit, and they cleansed instead of hurt so intensely. Then I bought a car-seat so I could be available if needed, and maybe I will become a visiting Grandma at the daycare at some point. It is not easier, the facts remain the same, but at least I know it for what it is, grief that will sneak up on me when I expect it, and when I don't. 

We bump into the fact of mortality unexpectedly sometimes; those birthdays with an '0' or illness or an accident. Those things that remind us that we are not, nor are those we love, infallible or permanent. We don't like those reminders because they are frightening and unwelcome. For those who are of an optimistic nature or are more pragmatic, this is the stuff of life. For those of us who are pessimistic, this is also the stuff of life, but with no up side.

This is my challenge; to find balance in life and work to savor each moment when I can. It is difficult to avoid the those ninja 'heart attacks' of life, but I am learning that there is nothing wrong with acknowledging those moments of grief. And the more able that I become to recognize it for what it is, the more those moments can become moments of remembrance and celebration of people we love.