This is what my son asked me the other day. He wasn't asking me this because he felt like he was parenting a demon child of unknown origin. On the contrary, he has a sweet and happy little boy. The context of the question? The first day of school. Ever. That day when parents send their little chicks out into the world, sometimes teary, often anxious, to start spending their days away from home. On this day they seem a little smaller than the day before in your eyes, and you suddenly don't want to let them go into anyone's care but your own. My son has had the gift of being the stay at home parent for their son. This is certainly not everyone's experience. Actually, it is probably atypical now, when little ones go to daycare at a young age because it is a necessity. However, my son, like me, and my mother before me, has had his son with him since he was born. You know the day is coming, but, boy howdy, it stings.
I wished that I had something wise or profound or soothing to tell him. Parenting has moments of joy, of fulfillment and contentment, but there are equally and possibly more, moments of sheer terror, frustration and doubt. The thing is, that it is just what life is; the routine work of everyday survival, punctuated by crises and emergencies and sickness, amongst which you try to inject times of fun and enjoyment and creativity, and, oh...rest. Because there are a myriad of things that affect our lives that are beyond our control, and because we live in a society where busyness is next to godliness, it becomes nearly impossible to balance activity with rest, and even leisure.
The birth of your child is, for most, a time of joy. Any woman whose womb has been occupied will tell you that the process of birth is not joyful. It is hard and painful work, but when you hold the results of that labour in your arms...joy and wonder. The first true smile of recognition from your baby...a moment of joy. When your little person says your name for the first time...a sweet moment of joy. (For all the smug dads, be it known that the 'd' sound in 'Dada' is physiologically easier to say than the 'm' sound of 'Mama'. Just sayin'.)
These many small moments of delight are bound together by bottle feedings, laundry, diaper changes and sleepless nights. And so it will go as they get older; special moments of joy woven together by the routines of life, punctuated by the difficult things, in an ongoing progression. Parenthood is a job, a fulltime one. It is everyday, all day, with few days off. There is no handbook that comes with each child to help you address their unique needs and personality. Most days you 'wing it' and hope your best is good enough and that you leave no scars on your child. It is an incredible, and weighty responsibility.
The framework of modern family life is different from my childhood. Most families require two incomes to survive, whereas my mom was home fulltime. It wasn't that my dad made so much money, but that my parents, in that time, were able to make it enough. I was fortunate enough to at least be at home until our boys went to school.
Every family has to work around economic realities and sometimes these are not flexible. You do however, have some say in what the rest of your family life looks like. If I had to do it over there are many things that I would eliminate or certainly limit. I think I would strive for greater balance; social times with quiet, activities outside with activities together and commitments outside the family with commitment to the family. This may not be the current family model, but I think it might the one that allows for more of the moments of joy. I don't know for sure, and I am certainly no expert, just a fallible person who became a mother.
As for my son? I am so proud of him and wish him many moments of joy as he and his wife parent a very precious little boy. A special postscript to my other son who fills beautifully the role of step parent. Respect, son.
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