Finding a way through

Loss is a universal experience; it manifests in a myriad of ways, and some are of more significance than others. Coping with loss though, is deeply personal and individual. The loss of a job is not the same as the loss of a loved one, but loss of any kind demands emotional response and adjustment. Grief unacknowledged and unresolved will eventually find expression in less healthy and emotionally dangerous ways.

Having only recently lost our beloved 'fur baby', our family dog of many years, I am starting now to walk through days without him. A significant presence is gone. The house feels odd. I feel vulnerable. Death changes us in real and fundamental ways.

But life does continue on. You wake up to another day, even if you might wish sometimes to sleep on forever. Telephones ring and work and family demands call for us to be present, and in the present. To focus when life seems out of focus.

It can take a long time to heal. Nothing will make it all better. It is a road you must walk, and even if you do not face a loss alone, it is a solitary inner journey. 

So here are some things that I will do as I travel....

I will cry. Probably often, and sometimes over seemingly unrelated things. When tears well up, and they will, let them out. Holding them in leads to sore stomachs and headaches. Tears are a pressure valve installed for a reason. 

I will rest. Loss takes an emotional and physical toll. The emotion is intense and deep. Grieving is a process that takes considerable time and energy and the fatigue might be different than any you might have experienced before. 

I will spend time in solitude and quiet. There is nothing to say to make it better, but people will try because they care. And they may have a hidden hurt as well, so be gracious and be kind. Always be kind. Then balance it with times and places where you do not have to speak.

I will sit on the porch and see who is in the garden and what is growing. 

I will walk in the forest and by the river because the exercise is good for me and the beauty will lift my spirits and repair my soul.

I will reminisce often until tears of sorrow are replaced with tears of joy and laughter in the remembering.

I will cultivate gratitude and express appreciation for the time spent with those gone, and to those with me now.

I will try to walk with more awareness of those in pain around me, and be kind. Always be kind. 

Farewell to a Good Dog

Anyone who has a beloved pet, may have also at some time lost a beloved pet. On Saturday, June 2nd, our sweet Buddy made his last trip. Buddy was old, about 18, blind, deaf and getting wobbly by times, but also still a goofy puppy at times. We didn't know when we woke up on Saturday that this would be that last day that we knew would be coming eventually. Isn't it a good thing that we don't know ahead of time what a day will bring.

Buddy came to us from the SPCA. My son was volunteering there and had his eye on a dog. I did not want to go; all those furry faces wanting to come home with me. Well we went...and came home with a black and white Jack Russell Terrier. My son named him Buddy because that was what he was going to be.

Many small dogs think that they are big dogs; Buddy knew it.

He also knew who needed comforting.

He knew my husband was always good for another cookie.

He knew when it was time for my husband to arrive home.

He loved to ride but never found his 'car feet'.

He didn't always play well with others.

 

Going for a walk was the best.

The smell of matches would send him to hide under the bed.

He loved girls.

It took many circles to find the right spot.

Life is strange though isn't it? On this same day that we were feeling so sad, my great-niece had one of the happiest days of her life; her wedding day. And when we couldn't face the emptiness of our house and went for a drive, we saw a sandhill crane chick in a field with its parents; a lovely serendipitous moment.    

I am not a realist by nature. I do know that life comes with pain and loss and change, but I don't readily accept it. Sometimes I shake my fist and stomp my feet and cry. I knew our Buddy was old and that I might lose him soon, but I hate that he is gone. I know that I will listen for the click of his paws in the hall, and look to see if he is sleeping in his basket and sense a special emptiness in our house. My heart will ache and my eyes will leak and a lump will hurt in my throat. And I will remember him and laugh, and be grateful for his presence in our lives for so many years as a welcome and faithful friend, and a good dog.

Turtle Time

Several years ago a floral turtle sculpture was installed close to where we live. It is really lovely and the design on the 'shell' changes each spring. About the time that this turtle is being refreshed with new spring colours and textures, the turtles in the area wake up from their winter slumbers in local rivers and ponds. 

Once they are awake, duty calls and they are on the move from May until October. This is a dangerous time because they emerge from their watery homes in search of nesting spots and this often takes them to sandy edges of roads and perhaps across busy traffic. 

I decided to walk a section of the Gordon Glaves Memorial Pathway this morning and see if there were any busy turtle mothers about. There is a parking lot behind the Glenhyrst Art Gallery, that is down a hill and beside the back garden area. As I drove to park, this is who I saw.

She was clearly on a mission and I did not want to disturb her, but I did suggest that she might not have her directions quite right. I left her to her business and walked up to the path.

The black dot on the photo shows about where the turtle was. The size of my car gives a little perspective on the distance she had traveled, but doesn't show that where I am standing on the path, is about three storeys up an eroded bank from the Grand itself! Pretty astonishing determination, or maybe it is the ancestral path from the river that turtles have been making for many years. 

The fragrance was glorious with honeysuckle and Russian Olive in bloom. The river was calm and the path quiet. Perfection. 

A solitary Blue Columbine had a solitary bloom.

Thimbleweed is beginning to bloom.

Beardstongue is in bloom on the rare prairie hillside habitat above the path. Up close it shows a soft lavender, but on the hillside it has kind of a ghostly, ethereal look.

Star-flowered Solomon's Seal is being replaced by False Solomon's Seal, which looks very much the same except on a larger scale, and with a much larger flower cluster.

Slightly further along the path I began to see evidence of turtle nesting.

It is hard to understand the scale here, but this is probably a two yard section of disturbed sand with a hole about 10 inches across.

Turtle shells are obvious along the side of the path. The female turtle chooses a site that is easy to dig, slightly damp so that the eggs do not dry out, and sunny so that the heat will incubate the eggs. Sometimes the eggs become tasty snacks for skunks or raccoons who live nearby. 

Sometimes you can see where a female has crossed the path leaving nail scratches and bracket marks.

Painted turtles are designated of 'Special Concern' federally, but not yet listed in Ontario.

If you come across a snapping turtle mother, it is best to give her a wide berth. They look like like a giant prehistoric beast, and are strong and cranky.

Snapping turtles are designated of 'Special Concern' federally as well as provincially in Ontario. If this turtle has come out of the wetland to cross the road, then it is probably a female, and she will be full of eggs to lay. If a turtle is hit on the road, it is not just one turtle being wiped out.

I came across this little fellow on the path last summer. The dime shows how tiny it is. Given the high mortality of turtle hatchlings, it is pretty impressive that it made it this far, but it still has to navigate the steep banks of the river to find some measure of safety. 

Before I returned to my car, I went to check on the 'little engine that could', across the parking lot.

She obviously liked this sandy spot next to the stump, and was busy digging a hole there. It seemed like such a harsh instinct that would bring her this far to nest and seemed to up the already impossible odds that any babies would survive to make it back to their natural habitat. 

It might seem like the existence of a tiny turtle is insignificant in comparison to other issues, but I think that each creature, bloom and species, is important and has a place. Each one plays a part in the function and health of our planet, and there is peril in not protecting their survival as it will affect our own.

“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” 
― John Muir