View from the window...on vulnerability

Yesterday morning I was awakened by the earth moving...or at least that is what it seemed like. There had been a tremendous thud somewhere close by and the house shook with it. It happened twice. Kinda weird, but not especially concerning. Why? We don't live where earthquakes are imminent, we are not under attack, and I did not think that the sky was falling. 

Then yesterday afternoon as I was once more rustling the branches of the family tree, 'there arose such a clatter, I arose from my couch to see what was the matter'. At first I thought that the blue jays were simply announcing their arrival, but there was a different urgency to these calls. It took a moment to realize that there was a Cooper's Hawk in the shrub. This I had never seen before.

I know that to feed the birds is also to invite peril. Hawks will patrol occasionally but rarely close to the house. I will maybe see them in one of the large trees out back, or rarely on a pole in the park or a rooftop across the street like last week.

 

This hunter was close to the house, in a shrub, then on the ground beneath the spruce patrolling the hedge! 

(another raptor lurking next door)

I thought that this was a pretty safe place. The tree is big, the hedge is dense, the house is here. The blue jay's warning scattered the birds and it went deadly quiet. I realized that while the boughs of the spruce are thick...safe, under the tree it is open and the limbs next to the trunk are bare...not safe. The cedar hedge is fairly dense...safe; the hedge is not wide...not safe. The house provides a degree of shelter...safe; the birds cannot shelter inside it...not safe. The hawk is a large bird so small tight spaces are safe; the hawk is a carefully designed and specially equipped hunter, and hungry...not safe.

(a Red-tailed hawk in the maple in the back yard)

It made me think about what things make me feel safe and what situations make me feel vulnerable. I thought about the fact that there is a difference between what is actual and what is perceived and how those can change in a heartbeat.

I have always felt safe at home, grateful for warmth and shelter. when our oldest son left home, that security was shaken some. He is tall, imposing. Suddenly I was alone in the house for the first time and I felt vulnerable in a way that I hadn't before. I hadn't expected that.

The number at birthday time keeps getting larger and the physical changes that accompanies this are not awesome. Now when I walk on the path, alone, as I usually do, suddenly I have an awareness of vulnerability that I did not have before. 

This plague that has been visited upon us all, has certainly shaken my sense of security. Suddenly no one, and nowhere, feels safe. except home if you haul up the drawbridge and stay inside. This is not completely possible or realistic as we have to eat and those able to work, must.

So, how to deal with this overwhelming sense of vulnerability? For some people, denial works; there is no risk, or at least not of the scope that is being presented. There must always room for healthy skepticism, but one that leads to deeper understanding not an ignoring of obvious evidence.

And I wonder at what point fear can become phobia. I don't want to be so overwhelmed that I can't leave the perceived physical security of my house. Even today that safety was violated by someone sending an email that looks authentic but isn't, so even home is not inviolable.

So...today I watched out the window. Did the birds return? Not yesterday, but today they are here. Is there still a threat? Yes. Despite continued vulnerability that is real, because the hawk could come at any time, they go about their business, being watchful, but aware that at this moment they are safe and life can go on as usual. Perhaps there is a lesson in this.

(Woodpeckers come readily to the feeder but spend a lot of time scanning the sky around them)

If we can keep our feelings of vulnerability from being debilitating, they can be useful, and keep us safe and moving forward. Perhaps they can even be a point of strength, because in our awareness of our fears and weaknesses we can be more aware of those same things in others. I realized how fortunate I am that in waking up to the shudder of the earth, my mind was not filled with fear as others in our world would be.