Blend, Blending, Blended...

I have given a great deal of thought over the past couple of years about what it means to be a 'blended family', when a new partner brings children from another relationship into a new one. Both of my sons are in their thirties and have found their special person in women who already had children. As their mother I was concerned that this could potentially be 'fraught'..you know, have many ways that everything could go horribly wrong. I googled 'blended family' for a concise definition and found blogs and articles on 'what they don't tell you' and that 'Remarriage with offspring on one or both sides, is like driving straight into the sun'. 
Yikes!!? 

I have however, watched this scenario play out for several years now, and the mother in me is so proud of the way my sons have become fathers to children who are not their own. I have watched these daughters of my heart entrust themselves and their children into the hands and hearts of my sons. I am really in awe. Lest one think that my sons are perfect, let me disabuse you of this notion; they are not nor will they ever be, but, are they in the trenches of family life doing their best, and learning to do better if needed..Yes!! Are there horror stories of blended families that simply can't? Many more than we know of probably, and it is tragic for everyone.

I took a walk on the 'semantics' side to see if I could better understand the word 'blended'. It seems that 'blended' is often used interchangeably with 'mixed'. So then I wondered what the actual difference in meaning was. Sometimes study does not bring enlightenment, especially when differences are  highly nuanced. It is thought that 'blend' might come from the Old Norse 'blanda' which means 'to mix'. Not extremely helpful. 

I did pick out several things that seem to differentiate the two. Blending seems to indicate a gentler process of combining things; with a spoon, as opposed to a mixer. This seems to imply a gentler hand, like time taken to move slowly in the process of this blending of families. Time taken to be comfortable, to understand who is involved and to blend with gentleness and compassion.

Another definition that I read was "Mixing means to combine materials or ingredients together to form a mass or a single element. Blending means to mix substances together smoothly so that they are inseparable."  While in a sense a new 'mass' or 'single element' is formed, I think that I would like this to imply a 'heart bond'; a blending that stirs a new heart into the bowl and they become emotionally joined together. New families are not formed to the exclusion of the original ones, they are enlarged and their shape changes. It takes mature adults to do this successfully, and it must be down with tact, compromise and great care. I am in awe as I watch my children and their families swim these shark-infested waters with such assurance. 

Having been raised with my own parents and not having divorce make changes in any of the relationships of my siblings, this blending of families is new territory for me. I am reminded often by my children that I tend to overthink things. But there are lots of things to think about; my new children already have grandparents, they hardly know me yet, what role should I expect to fill, what might they like to call me.... This must also be hard for extended families who now have to share 'their' children in different ways.

Then I got to thinking, are not all families 'blended'? There are myriad ways in which we have to gently combine traditions and backgrounds, priorities and beliefs to form successful relationships. And are blood relationships the only criteria for what can form a family? Sometimes people are without family, or family is far away, so they have to find a 'family'. And don't we all augment our families along the way with precious friends old and new.

So in between the pondering of these deep thoughts, I will enjoy the growth in my family. I will meet my new 20 year old grandson and his love this week as he arrives from BC to attend the wedding of his mother to my son. I will  probably cry many tears of joy as my son joins his life with Karen in a hand-fasting ceremony which will be as unique as they are. I look forward to meeting Karen's parents and pledging to them that I will watch over their daughter in a way they are unable to, being in Newfoundland. Blending..

The joy of a family celebration also brings to mind thoughts of those who will not be present. My mom would have so loved to see my boys grow up and celebrate all their special times with them. She would have reveled in having more great grandchildren. And I think of my brother Alan who may this week leave us behind to join our parents and grandparents, and then I will shed tears of sorrow. That is life, though isn't it; joy blended with sorrow in varying amounts.

And then maybe, in a little bit, I will let myself think about the fact that I could become a great-grandma, and just within just a few years of becoming a grandma...magical!! And only possible because we have a new, blended, family.