Musings on 40 years of marriage

October 14, 1978

I remember it as though it was yesterday and yet it is forty years ago. Some of the in between is a bit blurry in spots, but I imagine that is normal, and to be truthful, there are some moments best left unremembered. Marriage as an institution seems to be in an increasing decline, yet here we are, astonishingly,  many decades later.

I think it is a wonder that men and women can find lasting happiness together because we are so different; our emotional responses, physical makeup and ways that we think, are so opposite. Yes, this is a massive generalization but there are certain physiological facts which are scientifically proven. Men use more grey matter and women more white matter. This predisposes a man towards intense focus on information and tasks, while a woman's brain uses the white matter to connect many areas of her brain allowing her to multi-task more easily. Male brains process neurochemicals differently which is often displayed in a tendency towards more activity and aggression. Women tend to have a larger hippocampus and more neural connections to it, which translates to a greater capacity to absorb sensory and emotional information. And further, females have verbal centres on both sides of their brain, while males have only one which is on the left hemisphere. Finally, a difference in blood flow in the brain, means a female has more access to emotional memory and the ability to focus on it for a longer period. These are built-in differences, and only a few of the many, but they are hugely significant in their impact on relationships.

Let us add to these preexisting conditions, two very different people. Lynn, my husband, was born in rural Quebec. He spent his first years on a farm with his twin in the care of his grandparents, while his parents worked in Montreal. He is the oldest, by some twenty minutes, of his four brothers. His father made a final break from the family when Lynn was fourteen, leaving him to accompany his mother to the hospital for the birth of his youngest brother. When we got married Lynn had just finalized a divorce from his first wife who had run away with his best friend. He had debts, emotional baggage and was 30.

I was born the last of six, into a devout church going family. I was born and grew up in a suburb of Toronto. My dad worked in downtown Toronto and my mom took care of the home front. The church was our social centre and my parents were always involved. I was only four when my first sibling got married, so Robert and I, the youngest, grew up as a kind of second family. When we got married I was immature, naive and had just turned 21. 

I got to thinking about those bits of advice that come when you are preparing for marriage and wondering which ones have stood the test of forty years. They follow in no particular order.

"Let not the sun go down on your wrath"; a Biblical quotation meaning 'don't go to bed angry'. The implication is that you need to get issues squared away before bedtime so that they do not become more deeply entrenched, or go unresolved. Here's what I have learned; this is hard, it takes work and time, and is generally learned the hard way. Lynn has always been better at saying I'm sorry and usually first.  While sometimes an issue can and needs to be tabled for a future time, I would talk myself out of discussing hurts; I shouldn't let this bother me, it is not really important, I won't let this bother me, etc.. This practice usually ended up in a meltdown of huge proportions at some point, being wrought upon a generally befuddled and totally confused husband who either thought that the issue was settled, or never knew it was a issue in the first place. I took too long to learn how to handle conflict and I regret that. You have to set guidelines early in your marriage so that you have a framework to help you always be honest in your feelings, but able to express them without doing harm to each other. This becomes increasingly important when you have children, who will need to see that it is possible to work out differences, but also need to be confident that parents disagreeing need not lead to divorce. And lastly, your bed needs to be a place of solace, comfort and rest. Sleep is survival!! 

"Love is a commitment, not a feeling." Here is what I learned about this one; feelings are fickle and untrustworthy as a gauge of love. Certainly that is where relationship starts, with bated breath and sweaty hands and pounding hearts, yet there will be times in a relationship when you do not feel loving or loved. Lynn and I had a long distance relationship for a long time; he lived in Sudbury, and I lived in Rexdale. It was wonderful, filled with longing and sweet letters. Then we got married. I was not aware that I had a temper until I had a husband. Suddenly life takes over and there are long work days, money worries and misunderstandings. I am certain that it was built into my moral compass that divorce was not an option, so over all these years and through many challenging and difficult times, it never occurred to me that there was any way but through it and onward. I know that longevity is not necessarily a measure of the health of a relationship, because I have seen that 'peace at any price' has a tendency to give one partner emotional power over the other. And I also know that for my mom-in-law, that final departure, was the one meaningful gift that Lynn's father gave her.

When the feelings go awol, then the commitment takes over in the form of loving action. My parents were not demonstrative with each other or with us, which is not a criticism, more a comment on what was patterned for them as 'behaviour befitting'. I learned that a hug has a power to speak and heal. I learned that encouragement is important and I need to be my husband's biggest fan. I learned that compromise is important and no one is diminished by it. I learned that marriage is never 50/50; it takes the most you can give all of the time. I learned that showing respect builds self-esteem in the one you show it to. While I have measured short many times, Lynn has been there with a hug, a word, a quiet acceptance or an unexpected flower. It is hard for him to tell me what he feels but he has shown me in myriad ways. Is he flawed? Of course, but not in any ways that are truly important. 

"Make laughter the sound track of your marriage." I don't remember being given this particular piece of advice, but I think it reminds us that joy and laughter can be the glue in any relationship. A sense of humour celebrates life's happy moments and can help us get through some of the less pleasant ones. Laughing together at each other's foibles and mistakes gives acceptance and encouragement. Lynn and I have dissimilar tastes; we prefer different TV shows, authors, music and food. We have learned to give each other space to enjoy those things, but there are lots of things to enjoy together, and we do. The best time of day though, still remains, the moment he comes home from work. It is the sigh of the day, he is here and the world rights itself.

So I guess,from this pinnacle of forty years of living with the same man, I would say; it is possible, it is worth it and I am thankful. 

p.s. I am also grateful for the examples of successful marriages in my family that showed me how it is done, even if I was not always paying as close attention as I should have been.